


Iit Takes 2 two Tiidy

by mercurialMalcontent



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Crossdressing, M/M, Maids
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-09
Updated: 2011-08-18
Packaged: 2017-10-21 05:14:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/221315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mercurialMalcontent/pseuds/mercurialMalcontent
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In Which Our Hero Coaxes His Best Friend Into Assisting With Required Asteroid Chores, but Shenanigans Lead To Cleaning Implements Not Always Being Used According To Their Specification. Flushed feelings implied. Warning: mind honey, maid outfits, buckets.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fevered_ego](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fevered_ego/gifts).



Karkat generally wasn't sure what the worst thing about living with eleven other adolescents was: the noise, the hormones, or the smell. However, right at this moment one thing topped them all -- the sheer fucking MESS.

It wasn't just that Karkat couldn't help but trip over innumerable horns and disemboweled fiduspawn plushies when he tried to escape the computer lab. It wasn't just that the thermal hulls in the food preparation area were stuffed so full of everyone's weird alchemized crap that he hadn't been able to scrounge decent meal in days. It wasn't even that he had very nearly slipped in a puddle of... something when he'd tried to leave the cafeteria.

It was absconding to his private quarters, opening his secret room, and finding Sollux's beehive mainframes oozing all over his fucking floor.

As Karkat stared at the mess, the one tiny part of him that wasn't ragefed up to his horns noted with wonder how that little vein in his forehead felt three seconds away from bursting. Perhaps his entire head would explode. What would happen if his candy-red blood got all mixed in with the mind honey? Would it make an attractive orange that Terezi would compare to some delicious food item and lap up? Would it perhaps make his best friend a little tetchy that Karkat had ruined the hives with his mutant blood?

As much as Karkat was tempted to see if it would happen, simultaneously putting himself out of his misery and adding some much deserved suffering Sollux's life, that would be letting him win. It would be letting all of these sloppy, careless fucking morons win, and there was no way Karkat was going to allow that. He charged toward the computer lab.

"All right you disgusting swine, _listen the fuck up_ ," Karkat roared the instant he transportalized into the lab. "This place is so filthy I am about to vomit and I have tripped over your shitty piles of what-the-fuck-ever one time too many." He stepped off and turned, sweeping his eyes over the trolls present. "I am giving you an EXECUTIVE FUCKING ORDER to get your shit together before I get it together for you."

"What a great idea!" chirped Vriska as she darted to the transportalizer.

"You disingenuous--" Karkat stumbled, pushed aside by a fleeing Gamzee.

"Honk honk honk!"

"GRUB-FUCKINGLY RETARDED--" Karkat flailed as a cackling Terezi zipped past him.

"You're so sweet, Karkitty!" Nepeta bounced past Karkat and onto the pad.

"BUNCH OF COMPLETE ASSHOLES!"

"You're a glubbin pal, Kar!" Eridan called over his shoulder just before he disappeared. Karkat glared murderously at empty space fishface had left behind.

"Thee ya, thucker!" Sollux darted past, or at least tried to; Karkat lurched and grabbed the skinny bifurcated bitch by the back of his shirt.

"Oh _fuck_ no, Captor." Karkat hauled his so-called best friend up short. "You got your mind honey all over my secret room and now you're going to pay."

Sollux struggled, twiggy arms flailing towards his escape. "I've got fifty boondollarth with your name on them--"

Karkat gave him a shake. "I'm not as stupid as you look, Sollux!"

Sollux glared over his shoulder at Karkat, his blue eye baleful. "It wath a joke, kk. Besideth..." His psionics crackled over Karkat's hand. "Do you think you can _make_ me?"

"You wouldn _aaaaaugh!_ " Karkat's entire body spasmed with the force of the jolt Sollux sent through his hand. He not only lost his grip on the other troll's shirt, he lost his grip on the floor, too; his knees gave out and he sprawled on his ass.

Sollux grinned down at Karkat and snickered. "Thith ith what you get for being a tin-pot dictator, kk." He straightened his shirt. "And thcrewing up my clotheth. Have fun playing maid!"

"Wait," Karkat croaked as he clambered to his feet. "Captor." He snapped his sickle out of his sylladex. "You step one foot on that transportalizer--"

The skinny troll froze and turned slowly. His eyes narrowed behind his glasses. "And you'll what."

"Well, that depends. You didn't reprogram the door to my secret room, so you might have trouble finding it again." Karkat smiled brightly. "Who do you think can get to your beehives faster?"

Sollux slumped. "You're _thuch_ an atthhole, kk."

"That's why you like me."

Sollux liked Karkat so much that he bitched, moaned, and whined the entire time they tidied the computer lab. Had Karkat ever heard so much whining out of that lispy mouth? He doubted it! Whyyy do Tavros's games have so many caaards? Whyyy does Gamzee have so many hooorns? Why, why, why.

"Why do I put up with you?" Karkat snarled as he shoved another horn into a black plastic trash bag.

"That'th a good quethtion," Sollux sighed. "Maybe I should get out of your hair and jutht go."

Out of the corner of his eye, Karkat noticed Sollux sneaking past him, toward the transportalizer. "Nice try, fuckass. STOP!" Karkat whirled and lurched forward, intending to bodyblock the other troll. However, he'd miscalculated and it ended up being more along the lines of a body _slam_. Sollux yelped as the momentum sent them both stumbling sideways and into the bagged hornpile with a thunderous HONK.

They laid there stunned for a moment, then all at once Karkat became painfully aware of how his best friend was made most of angles and sharp edges, especially his teeth, which were frighteningly close to his face.

Sollux met Karkat's eyes and bared that mouthful of awkward teeth. "I'll show you who'th a fuckatth, fuckatth!" Karkat pulled away, too late; one long fingered hand tangled in his hair and gave it a sharp yank.

Karkat _yelped_. "The FUCK--" He gave Sollux's ribs a jab and Sollux squawked. "--do you think you're DOING?"

"Not--" Sollux yanked Karkat's hair again and struggled to throw him off. "--getting out of your hair!"

They rolled around on top of the horn pile, poking and pulling and shoving and screaming at one another. Karkat was far stronger but what Sollux lacked in strength he made up for in reach and leverage, and every time Karkat thought he pried one of Sollux's hands off of him the other sneaked in under his defenses to pull his hair or prod his ribs. They rolled and flailed and slapped in a cacophony of honks.

But quite suddenly they both stopped and stared at one another. Karkat felt a growing awareness of certain facts. One, Sollux had his hands up Karkat's shirt; two, Karkat's legs were clamped around Sollux's hips and his hands tangled in Sollux's hair; three, their faces were much too close together. There might have been a four, but Karkat really didn't care to think that far down, and from the look on Sollux's face, neither did he.

While it wasn't the first time they'd found themselves in that position, it was exponentially more embarrassing each time. Karkat's face grew hot, Sollux's cheeks bloomed mustard yellow, then they parted explosively and scrambled off into different directions.

"Let'th pretend that never happened," Sollux muttered.

Karkat squirmed. "Agreed."


	2. Chapter 2

Karkat and Sollux finished tidying the computer lab in strained silence, but breaking that silence was inevitable; they had to figure out what to do with the garbage sacks of other people's bullshit. Karkat was all for shoving the sacks into space to teach his slobbish friends a lesson; Sollux argued that all that would lead to was more stupid, loud arguments and Karkat being more of an obnoxious little dictator than usual. That was hardly an argument that would normally make Karkat change his mind, but fortunately for his patience Sollux had an actual idea as well: marking each bag with the appropriate symbol in the appropriate color to fool the transportalizers into taking them.

It was the stupidest idea Karkat had ever heard. Fortunately, like all of Sollux's stupid ideas, it worked.

Sollux tossed the bag of Gamzee's horns onto his transportalizer, then turned and dusted his hands as the bag vanished. "Well, I guetth my job ith done," he announced, grinning. "I'll be in my-- ow!"

Karkat yanked Sollux away from his transportalizer by one of his skinny arms. "What the fuck Sollux, do you really think that absolves you of the mind honey _all the fuck over the floor of my private room_?"

"Well, _yeth_ \-- ow! Let go!"

"Abso-fucking-lutely not." Karkat gave the skinny troll a shake. "You are going to help me clean this entire asteroid and you are going to _like it_."

Sollux gave Karkat his best shit-eating grin. "Oooh, kk, I didn't know you were into kinky thtuff." He waggled his eyebrows. "Gonna clean my chronology meathuring devithe?"

Karkat's face heated. He growled, "I thought we weren't going there anymore."

"Oh yeah." Sollux heaved a sigh. "Tho what next, fearletth leader?"

"The den of horrors. A place where the hungry fear to tread."

"... The ablution chamberth?"

"No, dumbass!" Karkat gave Sollux a shake hard enough to make the taller troll yelp. "The nutrition block."

The whole walk there Sollux bitched about how Karkat had to be overstating the matter, but the moment they stepped into the cafeteria portion of the nutrition block his voice trailed off as his jaw sagged open. "Holy fuck."

"No shit," Karkat snarled. "Maybe if Feferi and I didn't have to ram food down your toothy maw so you don't starve you'd actually catch a glimpse of this place every once in a while."

Sollux grimaced. "Why would I _want_ to?"

"Good point."

They took a survey of the disaster as they made their way to the food prep area, edging along the walls to avoid the worst of the mess. A couple of things immediately made themselves clear: one, while they could empty the contents of the thermal hulls into more garbage bags, they couldn't do that with the various spills, stains and smears on every horizontal surface, and two, there was absolutely nothing in sight with which they could clean said messes up.

Nothing in sight, nothing on the shelves, nothing in the cupboards. "This is going to be a wild honkbeast chase, isn't it," Karkat grumbled, his head deep into a cupboard.

"Food prep areath aren't ethactly the betht plathes for corrothive chemicalth, kk."

"How would you even know?" Karkat pulled himself out and glared over his shoulder at the skinny troll, who stood smirking behind him. "How many times have you even stepped into a food prep area in your life, much less known what to do with one, answer me that."

"Nah." Sollux tugged Karkat up by an arm, being none too gentle about it. He smirked at Karkat's yelp. "Let'th find a janitorial clothet inthtead."

Discovering a janitorial closet was not a wild honkbeast chase after all; they discovered one right down the hallway. It had a full stock of brooms, mops, rags, more garbage bags, a shelf full of jugs and bottles of ablution fluids, and something that looked potentially obscene loitering in the very back.

"Well! Now we're in business." Karkat reached toward the ablution fluids, only for his fingers to fall a few measuring units too short. "Oh god dammit." He rose as far up on his toes as he could, but no matter how he waved and flailed he could, at best, manage to brush the very edge of the shelf.

"Eheheh. Thtand athide, short thtuff." Sollux elbowed Karkat out of the way and reached for a jug. On his toes, Sollux could just reach the bottom of the thing, just enough to scoot it toward him with his fingertips.

"I am not short, you skinny mutant," Karkat huffed as he elbowed Sollux in the ribs.

"Ow--" The jug teetered toward them and Sollux shoved it back just in time. He scowled at Karkat. "Watch it, kk! Fuck, if that'd fallen on my head--"

"It might have fixed your hideous brain. Just get the bottles down!"

Sollux grumbled and reached for the ablution fluids again. As far as Karkat could tell it didn't look like his fumbling was doing any good, until he noticed that most of the jugs and bottles on the shelf were creeping toward the edge.

"Uh, Sollux..."

"Relackth, kk, I got thith. It'th eathier if I do them all at onthe."

"That's a really stupid idea and you-- oh **fuck** \--!"

It all happened in a blur. Karkat and Sollux flailed to catch the bottles as they tumbled from the shelf; Karkat tried to scramble out of the way as the bottles' caps flew off; Karkat laid in a tangled heap on the floor with Sollux, surrounded by rapidly emptying bottles and dripping with sickly sweet smelling soap.

"Fuck you," Karkat rasped. "Fuck you forever."

"Fuck you for elbowing me."

"Fuck you for your stupid idea!"

They tensed simultaneously and glared daggers at one another for a long moment before Sollux pushed away. "Not going there."

Karkat disentangled himself. "Never again."

It only took a short debate for the two boys to agree that returning to their respective quarters to retrieve fresh clothes before heading to an ablution chamber would take far too long and drip that vile combination of ablution fluids all over the asteroid. From the janitorial closet they only had a short trip to both an alchemiter room and an ablution chamber; they could just alchemize themselves fresh clothes and fresh supplies, hit the standing ablution traps, and get back to work. Good thing, too, as by the time they stepped into the alchemiter room, Karkat's skin crawled with a subtle and disturbing itch.

"First order of business," Karkat announced as he dropped the nearly empty jugs he'd brought, "is to get our supplies squared away since our clothes are the easy part."

"Firtht good idea you've had all day," Sollux said as he dropped the bottles he'd carried. "Let me handle thith, your alchemithing thkillth are crap." He crouched and sorted through the pile.

"If I let you handle it you'll make something so corrosive it'll eat a hole straight through this place."

Sollux snorted. "I will not. Why do you think you know anything about ablution fluidth, anyway?"

Karkat went to pinch the bridge of his nose, then jerked his hand back as he remembered that fingers covered in ablution fluids shouldn't be anywhere near one's eyes. "Because I'm the only one in this forsaken hellhole who isn't a total fucking slob!"

"Yeah yeah whatever. Bring that jug over here, would you?"

Fortunately, Sollux's confidence in his abilities was, as usual, not misplaced; he only made one potentially explosive combination. Karkat was, as usual, vastly irritated about it. What kept him from bitching was that by that point he itched so much his skin seemed to be trying to crawl off of his bones.

"Right, so all we need to do now is our... clothes." Karkat came to a rather unfortunate conclusion, and when he met Sollux's eyes, the look on the other troll's face told him that Sollux had realized that they'd forgotten one little detail.

You couldn't alchemize something you didn't have a code for. The only way to get the code was to put it on a card.

Sollux pulled the front of his shirt away from his chest with a sticky 'pop' and grimaced. "I guetth we have to."

"Yeah." Karkat looked down at himself and squirmed. "Uh. You go first."

"No, you."

"Your leader is ordering you to go first."

"Aren't leaderth thuppothed to _lead_? You go firtht."

They stared at one another. Karkat huffed a sigh. "Fine. We'll go at the same time. Turn your back, fuckass."

"You too, douthcebag."

Karkat turned his back and started peeling his disgusting clothes off, any actual embarrassment delayed until a point in the future in which his skin wasn't trying to crawl away. He shoved the garments, shoes and all, onto one captchalogue card. "You done?"

There was clicking and rattling from Sollux's direction. "Jutht a minute!"

Karkat waited two excruciating seconds in which the clicking stopped and the weird reality-warping sounds of alchemizing began. "Seriously bro--"

"I'm working on it, kk!" There was a bang. "No, it can't-- what the _hell_ \--"

"What the hell indeed, Sollux! Maybe you haven't noticed the gentle tingling sensation that means _that shit is burning our skin_!"

"Fuck, shut up! Jutht-- give me your captchalogue card! And don't look!"

The slightly hysterical note in Sollux's voice kept Karkat from asking how he was supposed to not look as he turned around. He did his best to keep his eyes averted as he sidled over and held the card at arm's length. Sollux snatched it out of his hand and started tapping madly, hissing swears under his breath.

Karkat turned. Sollux, all angles and long, lean lines, was flipping through code after code on the alchemiter, but whatever he did the preview scarcely changed. It steadfastly remained a frilly, full-skirted black dress with a red apron, a silly little lace cap, red stockings, and sensible shoes.

"Oh my god," Karkat breathed in horror.

"I can't get it to change! I've added, I've thubtracted-- whatever thothe ablution fluidth were fucked it all up!" Sollux banged on the console with both fists. "And mine ith even _worthe_!" He banged his forehead into the console.

Karkat stared at the projection of that disturbing outfit and fidgeted. Oh god, those ruffles. Oh god, this burning! "Listen Sollux, I feel your pain, but even more I feel _my_ pain, which is becoming deeply personal and will rapidly cause me to flip my shit in every possible way. How are you not clawing off your own skin by now?!"

"I jutht might, nothing can hurt ath bad ath that outfit," Sollux muttered into the console.

"Shall we test that theory with a kick to your shapely ass?" Karkat snapped, the slow burn across his skin giving his tone a hysterical edge.

"My--" Sollux raised his head and stared at Karkat. "Wait, what?"

"Just alchemize the fucking outfits before my skin melts off!"

"All right all right, god, kk!" Sollux snarled and his fingers flew over the keys. "I'll jutht hate you forever and ever for thith! If it wathn't for you I wouldn't itch! I wouldn't be naked! I hate you _tho much_!"

Karkat hopped from foot to foot with the effort of not screaming from the itch. "The feeling is mutual fuckass! If I live through the next five minutes you can be my kismesis!"

Sollux shot him a bewildered look. "Quit thaying thingth like that!"

" _Will you hurry it up_!"

Sollux hurried it up and shoved Karkat's captchalogue cards at him. They both took off toward the ablution chamber at a dead run.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to note that the maid outfits are, in fact, all fevered_ego's fault.


	3. Chapter 3

Karkat's skin did not slough off under the spray of water, as he was half afraid it might. His hair also failed to fall out, and his clothes didn't disintegrate when he took them out of his sylladex to rinse them. It was almost enough to get a guy feeling hopeful. Maybe the rest of this operation would be merely tedious.

His optimism was dented a bit when he finished drying off and the moment of truth had come. Karkat pulled the card out of his sylladex and scowled at it. It was beyond him how his shirt and jeans soaked with a vile mixture of ablution fluids made something so frilly, but he suspected the usual: the universe was still out to get him, and in lieu of being able to kill him outright, was aiming to make him die of mortification.

At least Karkat wouldn't die alone. Served Sollux right for being such a dumbass. He gave the card a look of grim satisfaction before he stuffed it back into his sylladex and equipped it.

And _squeaked_. It wasn't the stockings or shoes or the unfamiliar hold of the dress, or even how his reflection looked, but the way the new undergarments... oh god. Karkat squirmed a moment before he turned his back on the mirror, reached under the back of his dress and held it up before looking over his shoulder.

"Oh _god_." Karkat was fairly sure that the main point to underwear that framed the lower curve of one's asscheeks so blatantly was to entice onlookers to take said underwear off. They'd be utterly pointless with most clothes, but this stupid outfit's skirt was so short...

Karkat bared his teeth at his not-covered-enough ass and muttered, "Sollux Captor, I'm going to kill you."

"The feeling ith mutual, atthole," Sollux rasped from nearby. Karkat went hot all over as he dropped his skirt, yanked his gaze around -- and burst into laughter. Sollux hunched his ruffled shoulders and scowled. "Yeah, yeah, laugh while you can, jerkfathe, you look jutht ath thtupid."

Whatever perverse impulse of the universe haunted Karkat, right now it had it out for Sollux even worse. The skinny troll's outfit sported a charming black-and-yellow color scheme in an unmistakeable pattern of stripes, and a pair of little bee wings affixed right between his shoulderblades. Karkat couldn't help the broad, evil grin that spread across his face. "I don't know, Sollux, I think you look very charming in your little bee costume--"

"Shut up."

Karkat's grin became Terezi-like in intensity as he ran his eyes down Sollux's form. "And those stockings make your legs look great."

Silence, thick and tense, hung between them for a moment long enough for Karkat to ponder that his statement came out a little too sincerely. It broke when Sollux hissed a sharp breath and said, poison-sweet, "Unfortunately, thothe booty shortth don't do a thing for your bubble butt."

Karkat stared. "What the fuck, Captor." He stalked toward Sollux, who was now the one wearing the Terezi-like grin. "Let's see how your bony ass looks, shall we?" He grabbed at the other troll's skirt, but Sollux danced away from him, snickering. "Come on, Captor, let's see the goods! Or did they fall off because there's nothing to keep them up?"

"My atth lookth fine, thank you very much," Sollux said as he darted out of the way again.

"Seeing is believing, bulgemuch!" Karkat lunged to grab a handful of Sollux's skirt and drag him back. "Stop squirming!"

Sollux flailed at Karkat. "Get your handth off of me, you perv! You're going to rip my thkirt!"

Karkat fought to keep his hold on the slippery material."Oh that's funny, the guy that was staring at my ass calling me a perv!"

The taller troll yanked himself out of Karkat's grasp. "You thtared at my atth earlier, fair ith fair!"

Karkat grabbed at Sollux again, only to trip and stumble. Sollux glared over his shoulder and stuck his tongue out before he dashed away. Karkat got his feet back under him and gave chase. "Come back here!"

They sprinted through the ablution chamber, Sollux cackling the entire way. The moment they burst out into the hallway, however, the chill air across Karkat's far-more-exposed-than-usual skin sent him to a stumbling halt. The last thing he wanted to do was for another of the trolls to come across him chasing Sollux around the asteroid, demanding to see his ass.

Sollux had apparently had a similar thought, as he stopped and rubbed his arms. "These thingth are fucking cold," he muttered. "Can we cut the hoofbeatht shit and get to work before anyone theeth uth?"

"Yeah, sure."

They followed their congealing footprints back to the mess in front of the janitorial closet. In their absence, it had spread into a thin, slippery multicolored goo across the width of the hallway. "Eww. It'th like..."

"No. Don't say it, and definitely do not make that hand gesture. _Thank_ you." Karkat put his hands on his hips. "Soak it up with rags, I guess."

"And then we have to rinthe them, and wipe the floor again. We'd better jutht mop it."

"Point." There was a mop right there, leaning innocently against the closet's inside wall. That was easy. "We'll need, uh." Karkat frowned at the object behind the mop. "Something to carry water in."

Sollux peered into the closet, chewing at his lower lip. "Uh... I alwayth uthed the ablution trap."

"Yes, I'm sure we can just walk to the ablution chamber every single time we need to rinse the mop out. That totally won't take us fifty million sweeps or anything." Karkat grimaced and shook his head. "We're just going to have to use it."

"Oooh no."

Karkat rolled his eyes. "Look, it isn't..." He glanced back inside of the closet and resisted the urge to chew his own bottom lip. "It's... it's a bucket, all right? Not a pail."

"Themantic differenth, thame damned thing." Sollux crossed his arms. "A bucket by any other name ith thtill a pail."

Karkat groaned. "Semantics are important, asshole, you can't just exchange one word for another--"

"Thtop the prettheth everybody!" Sollux spread his hands. "Karkat Vantath thayth 'No More Thynonymth!'"

"That is not what I mean and you know it so shut your windhole. Buckets aren't pails--"

"According to a dictionary they are." Sollux smirked at Karkat's thunderous glare. "Theriouthly, kk, it'th not going to be any different jutht becauthe you call it something elthe."

"Why the fuck not? We're not..." Karkat grimaced at the thing. "We're cleaning shit with it, okay? That's obviously what those carapace motherfuckers used it for. It's totally different."

"Tho, what, we call it a portable ablution trap or thomething and it'th all good?"

Karkat blinked at Sollux, then beamed. "That's an excellent idea!" He clapped his friend on the shoulder. "I'm glad I thought of it."

Sollux smacked Karkat's hand away. "Oh, fuck you."

It worked, though. A change of name made it possible for Karkat to bring out that, uh, object and see it as a perfectly normal cleaning tool. Stick in a mop, fill it with water, and... well, it still looked kind of obscene, okay, but it helped that the thing was rectangular like a regular ablution trap. "We can do this. We can make it happen."

"Yeah, right."

"Shut up and help me carry this thing."

Mopping up the residue of their little disaster distracted Karkat from any other uncomfortable thoughts about their portable ablution trap, and if Sollux's muttered curses were any indication, he couldn't have cared less, either. Even after soaking up as much of vile goo as they could with rags, the remaining residue spread under the mops like an oil slick and left the floor just as slippery.

Fortunately, the pair managed to conquer the recalcitrant goo monster under the shaggy yarn heads of their mops before anyone could stumble across those sections of the hall, or, more importantly, across them in their stupid outfits. They remained similarly unmolested while they cleaned the ablution chamber, and -- for better or for worse -- when they stepped into the nutrition block.

Karkat swallowed back a surge of disappointment at finding the nutrition block empty. No one there meant no one to rope into helping him and Sollux clean, or to give him and Sollux a reason to run away so no one could see them in their horrible, ruffly little maid dresses. Judging by Sollux's crestfallen expression, he thought the same thing.

Karkat exchanged a look with him. "Let's face it. We have to man up."

Sollux looked down at himself, then arched a brow at Karkat. "Not really the betht choithe of words."

"I'd argue but I'm too defeated to care. Where the hell are the rubber gloves?"

"Rubber gloves? We need hatherdouth material thuits."

Sollux had a point. The nutrition block had seen an impossible number of spills, splats, and splorches from a variety of foodstuffs and god knew what else. Karkat refused to think too much about it. However, they made do with rubber gloves and holding things at arm's length as often as possible. The disgusting residue coating the nutrition block receded with glacial slowness under their onslaught, but recede it did. Karkat's spirits lifted as the counters, cupboards, and walls emerged gleaming -- well, okay, gleaming in comparison to their former filthy state -- from under their rags.

They saved the floor for last, as it was inevitably splattered with the fallout from cleaning the other surfaces. That, at least, they didn't have to get close to, thanks to the mops. It may have been easier to get some of the worst of the grossness off of the floor with scrub brushes, but Karkat wasn't about to get on his knees in this mess, and he doubted Sollux would get on his knees for him.

"Kk, are you blushing?"

"I'm just overheated, okay? Why are you even looking at me, we are mopping the FLOOR."

"Yeah, you kinda thtopped mopping like a whole minute ago, bro."

"I was merely re-evaluating--"

"Yes, you seem to have missed a spot. Several, in fact."

Karkat tensed. He shared a look with Sollux, and they casually stepped in front of the portable ablution trap before turning to face the owner of that pompous tone. Equius stood at the entrance to the nutrition block, hands on hips as he peered over the edges of his glasses around the room.

"I would like to say that I don't approve of our self-appointed leader lowering himself to this menial work. It is..." Equius swallowed audibly. "Filthy."

"Oh god," muttered Sollux.

"So is this fucking asteroid, if you hadn't noticed," Karkat snapped. He brandished his mop. "As your leader, I'm ordering you to grab a rag and get to work."

Equius grimaced, showing off his mouthful of jagged teeth. "I couldn't possibly. I had considered building a robot to clean for us--"

"Oh, NOW you tell me."

Equius continued as if Karkat hasn't spoken, "But perhaps it is a good thing that you have taken to this work and enlisted your mud blooded friend so you remember where you belong." He bit his lip. "You even acquired appropriate costumes."

Karkat's skin crawled worse under Equius's scrutiny than it had doused with random ablution fluids. He bared his teeth while Sollux snapped, "Don't look at me, you fucking pervert," and tried unsuccessfully to hide behind his mop.

Equius lifted his chin defiantly, which only made it more obvious how heavy his breathing had become. "There is nothing... perverted... in knowing your place. This should be good... training."

"Y-you're getting off on this," Karkat spluttered. "I order you to stop getting off on this!"

"Nonsense," Equius gasped. "I just... need a towel. You have towels, don't you?"

Sollux deadpanned. "Fresh out."

"Oh fiddlesticks," Equius breathed. "And I so wanted to be... served."

Served? Karkat would show that horsefucker _served_. As Equius turned away, Karkat thrust his mop at Sollux before grabbing the portable ablution trap and heaving it up into his arms.

"Kk, what are you doing?!" Sollux whispered fiercely.

"Serving," Karkat growled as he stumbled forward, the portable ablution trap sloshing dangerously.

Equius heaved a sigh and tossed his head. "I may as well let you get back to work. Make sure--"

Sollux gasped, "Kk, no--"

Karkat lifted the trap to his shoulder and _pushed_ \--

"--To get all of those... tight corners."

The water didn't go anywhere. Neither did the portable ablution trap, or Karkat; he stood perfectly still, every bit of him held fast by flickering red and blue light. He could only stare furiously at Equius's back as the sweaty boy absconded in the direction of the ablution chamber. The freshly clean ablution chamber. Karkat groaned.

Sollux's psionics pulled the trap from Karkat's fingers and set it to the floor before they let Karkat himself go. The moment they freed him, Karkat whirled and spat, "What the fuck, Captor?!"

"You are thuch an idiot, kk! Think for a moment!" Sollux tapped Karkat's forehead with the tips of his fingers. "You were going to throw." Tap. "A _bucket_ of filthy water." Tap. "At **Equiuth**." _Smack_.

The smack nearly made Karkat stumble backward. "Yeah, and?" he retorted, about to swipe at his friend -- only to still as his thinksponge finally kicked into action. "Oh god." His digestive sac flipped. "And he was already sweating. Oh god."

"I dunno if you notithed the thate of hith pantth, but I'm pretty thure I just thpared uth the thight of Equiuth coming in his shortth."

Karkat clapped his hands over his eyes. "Aaaaauuuugh!"

Sollux snickered and patted Karkat on the back. "You owe me one, bro."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The booty shorts are also all fevered_ego's fault.


	4. Chapter 4

When Karkat and Sollux returned to the ablution chamber it was empty. A few missing towels were the only sign that Equius had been there at all. Thank fucking god, because the shit flipping never would have stopped if Karkat had found horseboy in there toweling off. He and Sollux could just get the other ablution chambers cleaned, deal with that mind honey mess, and be done with these shenanigans.

They cleaned two of the remaining three public ablution chambers without incident, if one could consider the five separate times Sollux 'accidentally' slapped Karkat's ass with something to be non-incidents. Nobody walked in on them, no ablution fluids were spilled, and no one hit their stupid bifurcated head when they slipped because Karkat grabbed them by their stupid bee wings and hauled their ass up and got bitched out for the trouble. They didn't have anything even resembling an incident until they were nearly to the third and last chamber.

"What do you _mean_ we're out of floor wash?" Karkat dropped the empty trap to the floor so he could cross his arms in a huff. "We're all the fucking way across the asteroid from an alchemizer-- Oh don't you sigh at me like that, Captor."

"You're flipping your shit over nothing again. Relackth, kk, I can jutht go make more--"

"And have you abscond on me--"

"If we both go it'll take forever and you know it. I can fly way fathter than your nubby legth can run there."

" _They are not nubby_!"

Sollux swept his eyes from Karkat's feet up to the way too short hem of his skirt, and twisted his lips into his most insufferable smirk. "Yeah, okay, I guetth they're pretty nithe." He snickered at Karkat's spluttering and continued, "Point ith, it'll be fathter if I go alchemithe, and ath a bonuth--"

"You still have to clean half the load gapers," Karkat leaned in and snarled.

"-- you'll owe me another favor."

Karkat narrowed his eyes, then stared pointedly at the area of Sollux's body his dainty little apron covered. "One for each bulge?"

"I only have one--" Sollux went yellow from his brows to his collarbones. "Oh _fuck you_ , kk!" He flipped both middle fingers into the shorter troll's face before he whirled and absconded with a flounce of skirts and purple light.

Karkat laughed the entire way to the ablution chamber. Fuck, even if Sollux had absconded for good, it was worth it just to have gotten that reaction. Karkat would be snickering over his expression for days. That he had a certain element of his curiosity satisfied was just a bonus.

Karkat was so busy snickering to himself as he pushed through the door of the ablution chamber it took a moment for him to register that the place was not silent as he'd hoped. He paused and listened hard, but the sounds weren't ones of someone moving around or using the standing ablution trap. They were too even, too regular, too much like... a drumbeat?

Why the hell was there music playing in an ablution chamber?

Despite his prickling instincts, curiosity got the better of Karkat. He ventured forward, keeping his footsteps careful and even to make as little noise as possible. The tune grew clearer, a spare yet catchy dance song that Karkat could only think of as 'sassy'.

It wasn't until he rounded the corner that he noticed the singing, and by then it was too late. The sight of Eridan prancing around wearing only a frilly apron and absurdly high heels would have stopped Karkat cold at the best of times; that the seatroll was also warbling about how he was ['too sexy for his scarf'](http://tindeck.com/listen/fjvb) froze Karkat to the spot.

Eridan faltered in his dance as he caught sight of Karkat reflected in the mirror, then his reflection grew a broad, fangy grin. "Hey Kar. I'vve been waitin for you."

"Oh hell," Karkat breathed.

"Wwhat took you so long?" Eridan turned and stood with a be-ringed hand on his cocked hip. "Did you start wwithout me? I wwas lookin forwward to helpin you... clean up." Oh god, was the seatroll pouting? "But you knoww... I appreciate you goin to an effort. That's one saucy little outfit you're wwearin." His eyes swept down Karkat's body, then locked on what he carried. "And you came more than prepared."

Karkat glanced down at what dangled from his fingers, forgotten until just now. Oh god oh fuck-- he dropped the trap with a clatter, but Eridan just smirked.

"I'vve got to admit, Kar, I didn't think you wwere that kind a boy. I thought I'd havve to convvince you." Eridan swayed forward, lips pursed in amusement.

"Calm your tits, Eridan, it's not what you think!" Karkat lurched out of the way of a questing seatroll hand.

"Playin hard to get after all? That's the Kar I knoww," Eridan said with one of his too-bright, brittle laughs. "Do I got to get dowwn on my knees and scrub, Kar? Or maybe you wwant to wwatch me, mm, bend ovver those load gapers and get them nice and clean?" The leering seatroll leaned over and waggled his upraised ass.

Karkat backed away. "I want you to get the hell out of here and put some fucking clothes on!"

Eridan fell back into a full-on pout. "Oh come on, Kar, I'm wwearin enough for the kind a cleanin wwe're doin. Mm..." He bit his lip as he looked Karkat up and down again. "I think if anythin you're wwearin too much. That little outfit looks like it needs launderin somethin fierce."

"Keep your disgusting sea scum paws to yourself--" Karkat stumbled back into the mirrored wall hard enough to make his teeth rattle.

"Oh, come off it, Kar, you comin in here dressed like that, bucket in hand?" Eridan bleated another shrill laugh. "I'm gonna help you get _clean_ , Kar. I know you wwant it." Eridan swiveled forward, his sharp hipbones like a whirling blade device in slow motion. "You're goin to be so clean you'll go wweak at the knees... and then you can return the favvor."

"You have got to be fucking kidding me, kk." Eridan froze mid-stalk as Sollux's voice echoed from the front of the ablution chamber. "I go all the way to the alchemither for you and come back to shitty music and you doing fuck all!"

Eridan beamed into Karkat's face like it was twelfth perigee's eve. "A twwo for one special?" Eridan breathed. "Oh, Kar. I'm a naughty boy, but I don't knoww if I'm ready to get double teamed."

Sollux rounded the corner and Eridan posed, hands on his hips and back arched. Sollux stared, then burst into laughter. "Hey Ampora, ith that a wand in your apron or are you jutht happy to thee me?"

"He's naked under that thing, Sollux, _you tell me_."

It was Eridan's turn to laugh as he waggled his hips at a horrified Sollux. "You knoww you wwant this, Sol, you'vve been tryin to get it for days. You're evven wearin a saucy little outfit of your owwn."

"Uuuugh. Kk, did you even try to eckthplain to thith douthcebag or are you enjoying thith?"

"Shut your mouth, Captor!"

Eridan huffed a sigh and tossed his head."Both a you playin hard to get is goin to get old fast. Just fuckin admit it, you twwo, it's not like the bucket isn't right fuckin there."

"What bucket--" Sollux's eyes widened. His gaze darted to the portable-- oh hell, the bucket, sitting sinisterly where Karkat had dropped it in shock. "God damn it, kk--"

"Wwait. You wweren't plannin on fillin a bucket wwith me after all." Eridan scowled and turned on Karkat. "I get it noww, Kar, you came in here wwaitin to play out some sick scenario wwith Sol."

Karkat's mouth dropped open. "Who the fuck are you calling sick?!"

"You didn't wwant me at all," the seatroll whined. "I shoulda knowwn! You twwo have been flirtin somethin fierce since wwe got into this game, I don't know how Fef puts up wwith it--"

"Leave her out of thith, Ampora," Sollux snarled.

Eridan whirled. "She wwas mine, Sol, I can talk about her any wway I wwant! I bet you're fuckin lyin to her about sneakin around fillin buckets with Kar--"

"WE ARE NOT FILLING BUCKETS, ERIDAN--"

"Ff ith my _moirail_ you creep and oh my god why did I even tell you that?"

"Then you're fuckin leadin her on like she did me, oh my god, I'm goin to have your fuckin eyes, Sol!" Eridan thrust a finger at Sollux. "We're havin this out, right here, right now!"

"Yeah, right!" Sollux blurted a laugh. "You don't even have a wand, Ampora, you're uthletth!"

Karkat took a deep breath to shout Eridan down, but Eridan cackled and reached behind himself for the tie on his apron. "I don't need a fuckin wand!" And with that he yanked the bow open--

 _Oh hell no_. Karkat bolted past Eridan to grab Sollux's arm. He all but dragged the skinny troll along as they careened past the load gapers.

"Ow fuck kk--"

"Come back here!" Eridan shrieked.

"RUN FASTER--"

Sollux ran faster. He and Karkat banged through the ablution chamber door and kept going, hallway after hallway flashing past until they hit a transportalizer. They appeared in the transportalizer hub room and Karkat yanked Sollux with him to the pad painted with his gray symbol.

They fell into the safety of Karkat's respiteblock -- literally. The momentum from their lurch sent Karkat stumbling, and his feet tripped up Sollux, who fell against him and knocked them both sprawling to the floor. Karkat yelped, Sollux grunted, they rolled away from one another, but after that neither of them had the energy to do anything but wheeze.

"That," Karkat gasped once he had enough air back, "was the single most horrifying event in my existence."

"Thame h-here," Sollux groaned. "Wath... wath he really not wearing anything under that apron?"

"Sollux, trust me when I say I have gazed into the abyss--" Karkat paused for breath. "--and it was Eridan Ampora's asscrack."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't hand off fault for Eridan wearing only an apron to anyone else -- that was aaaall my idea. I'm sorry. (Well, not really.) Octopimp's song merely filled out my, er, inspiration.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SUDDENLY, RATING CHANGE. I thought I could somehow keep this teen rated but the UST insisted on being resolved. Welp!
> 
> The xenobiology is based on Roachpatrol's portrayals.

Even the horror of what he'd just witnessed wasn't quite enough to drive away Karkat's urge to clean all the things. After climbing to his feet and assessing the damage (a run in one stocking and assorted bruises), he pulled a protesting Sollux to his feet. "Shut up, Captor, we're still not done."

The taller troll yanked himself away and crossed his arms. "I'm not going back there."

"My god man, of course you aren't!" Karkat stared at Sollux, aghast. "I meant the mind honey. What kind of monster do you take me for?"

"A short one in a frilly dretth," Sollux snickered.

Karkat's patience evaporated. He put his hands on his hips. "Oh, so you want me to send you back after all."

"No I don't, I'm jutht metthing with you, god."

"Keep messing with me when I'm being kind and understanding and I'll suddenly be so kind and understanding that I'll recall how much you enjoyed teasing Ampora--"

"Oh my fucking god kk I wath not--"

"--and send you right the fuck back there to bulge fence with him."

Sollux cringed away."Ew ew ewwww kk I hate you _tho much_!" He squirmed as if he was trying to crawl out of his own skin. "Now I have to go thandblatht mythelf if I ever want to feel clean again, thank you tho much you complete douthcebag--"

"You are so disgustingly oversensitive! 'Oh, I wattth juttth metttthing with you, kk,'" Karkat whined in a spitting parody of Sollux's lisp.

"Hey--"

"But the moment I feed it back to you you're shitting your bootyshorts like the oversized wriggler you are." Karkat threw his hands up. "I'd call you delicate fucking flower, except you're too goddamned repugnant!"

Sollux snorted."Tho repugnant you're conthantly checking me out! No, shut your mouth," he sneered, clapping a rubber-scented palm over Karkat's outraged snarl. "Don't think I didn't notithe how you looked at me every time I bent over, I even tharted dropping thtuff on purpothe juth to make sure."

Karkat smacked Sollux's hand away. "You dropped stuff because you're a clumsy idiot!"

"Ehehehe nope," Sollux said with his best insufferable prick grin, "but even if I wath you thtill looked!"

"At least I can keep my hands to myself," Karkat said, his face growing hot. "You couldn't keep your grubby paws off of me!"

The taller troll grimaced, but it did nothing to hide the mustardy tinge to his face."That'th a lie!" He crossed his arms and turned away with a flip of his skirts. "I never onthe actually grabbed your mutant bubble butt, and the retht were all acthidentht anyway!"

"Oooh, so when you're copping feels you're a clumsy idiot but when you're dropping shit you're tricking me into looking into the bifurcated plank you have instead of an ass!" Karkat peered around to eye Sollux's behind skeptically, as if he could actually tell how flat it was under the frills. "How do you even sit on that thing, anyway?"

Sollux huffed and faced Karkat with a flounce."Very comfortably because my atth ith fucking perfection compared to that beachball you try to thit on," he said, gesturing so Karkat knew just how big and round of a beachball he meant. "How do you even thtay on a chair, antther me that."

"Yes, Captor, make fun of my heartbreaking handicap." Karkat put his hand to his forehead like one of Kanaya's rainbow drinkers. "Every night I crawl out of my recupracoon and have to sit on a donut pillow just to be able to eat my frosted grubflakes." He dropped his hand and glared. "How do you _sleep_ , you pitiless monster?"

"With a thmile on my fathe imagining your agony, eheheh. Poor kk and hith cruel, cruel deserved fate!"

"Surely my fate is no worse than risking impaling the fucking chair with my razor sharp tailbone every time I sit down."

"Eheheh, not quite, but my atth _ith_ clatthified ath a lethal weapon." Sollux waggled his hips and grinned at Karkat's gaping. "Chumpth fall all over themthelveth jutht to get a look. Idiotth end up tumbling down thtairs, thtepping into traffic, and battling to the death just to get a piece of thith." He turned and smacked his rear.

Karkat bit back a strangled noise along with the urge to give Sollux a followup smack."Oh good, it's the one thing I'm totally immune to, Sollux Captor's ass! Hey, if we tie a bow around you and give you to the demon we'll know at least one person on this rock will survive!"

Sollux smirked over his shoulder and laughed. "Ath if, kk, you'd be the firtht to fall! You'd get one look and you'd be running to get a grab and then BAM, thword through the chetht."

"Didn't we establish that you're the one with the grabbing problem? If the demon waved my ass in your direction not even a sword through the chest would stop you. You'd be reaching for double handfuls of this juicy thing," and Karkat turned and waggled his ass at Sollux, "until he cut off your fucking hands."

"Oh yeah right. The only reathon I'd come clothe to your atth ith becauthe of itth enormouth gravitational pull." Sollux made an exaggerated gasp as he turned and flailed in Karkat's direction. "Oh nooo, it'th thucking me iiiin!"

Karkat dodged Sollux's flailing. "Give it a rest, I get the point-- hey!" He danced away from the skinny fingers trying to flip up his skirt. "Seriously Captor, stop it--"

Sollux snickered. "But I can't ethcape the pull!" He darted his hands toward Karkat. "It'th jutht too THTRONG!"

"Oh my god you did not just--" Karkat's repulsed snarl cut off in a yelp as he tripped over one of the scattered pieces of computer debris littering his hallway. Sollux grabbed him by the back of his skirt, saving him from faceplanting but leaving him scrabbling as the taller troll yanked that skirt way up. "Let _go_ \--"

"I can't, it'th pulled me in!" Long-fingered hands clamped onto both cheeks of Karkat's rear. Karkat yelped in indignation and tried to get his feet back under him properly, but he froze and gasped a highly embarrassing sound as those hands squeezed. Sollux breathed a laugh. "Holy fuck, kk-- Ow!"

Karkat scrambled away, but the kick to Sollux's shin obviously hadn't been hard enough because the other troll was right on his tail. "Get off of me you sadist!"

"You like it you pervert--" Sollux's hands darted for Karkat's skirt again.

"Who the fuck are you calling _aaah_ \--"

"Eheheheh _ow_!!" Sollux tried to twist out of the grip Karkat had on his wrist to no avail.

"Time to taste your own medicine!" Karkat yanked Sollux forward and shoved his free hand up the back of Sollux's skirt. "Not so fun--" He found what he wanted and squeezed and yeah, Sollux did in fact have a nice ass, nice enough to consider not letting go of any time soon. "--When it's you getting groped, h-huh?"

"Fucking _aaah_ pervert stop molethting my _nnh_ \--" Sollux wrenched away from Karkat's slackened grip. "Oh you're going to pay for that--"

"I was fucking paying you back GET YOUR HANDS AWAY FROM THERE--" Karkat turned as he lurched backward, only to end up right against a wall. Worse, it wasn't any stretch of the wall but one of the many niches along the hallway, so there was no escape to the side -- and then there wasn't time left to think about escape anymore because Sollux had grabbed a double handful of Karkat's ass again.

" _Hnnngh_ ," Karkat breathed.

"Wow, you really like thith," Sollux said with amazement as his kneading hands elicited another mortifying sound from Karkat. "Eheheh you are the _biggetht_ perv!"

"Says the g-guy who is _kneading my ass_! What the a-actual f-fuck--" Karkat choked back another embarrassing sound and shoved against the wall -- only to go exactly nowhere as purple psionics shoved him against it. He howled, " _You deviant fucking cheat!_ "

"Yeah, deviant thoundth about right," Sollux said gleefully as his hands cupped and pressed. "Can I have debauched, too? Debauched ith a good word."

Karkat gasped into the wall, "You can _nngh_ have all of the words that mean you're a perverted freak of which in actual fact you are the _nnh_ biggest--"

"Eheh, kk, I keep telling you--" For one alarming split-second Sollux's hand was no longer on Karkat's ass, and then that alarm drowned in a rush of mortifying pleasure as that hand palmed Karkat's rapidly stiffening bulge. "--You're the _biggetht_ pervert."

" _F-fuck_ \-- Captor. C-captor." Karkat shuddered and fought to get the words out. "I-I thought we weren't doing this. Ever."

"And here you are, rutting into my hand," Sollux sang into Karkat's ear, and Karkat's face stung because yes, he was, and that had nothing to do with the psionics otherwise pinning him. "Ekthecutive decithion, kk--"

"Who's the-- _oh fuck_ \-- leader here?!"

"--tho we d-didn't end up doing thith in the middle of the lab." Sollux moaned into his ear and fuck if it wasn't so totally hot it made Karkat's hips jerk.

"Th-then why the f-fuck did you keep protesting _oh god what are you doing_ \--"

"Becauthe _I_ like playing hard to get," Sollux breathed with a laugh as he tugged Karkat's booty shorts to his ankles, "and I like metthing with you," there was a rustle, "and I wathn't about to let you top me first."

Karkat yelped as Sollux's psionics pulled his hips back and shoved his legs apart. "You freakish, bulge-licking--"

"Maybe later," Sollux snickered. He laughed outright as Karkat yelped again at the feel of long fingers stroking the folds of his slick nook. "Of courthe, if you want me to thtop..."

" **NO**. No. Definitely not," Karkat gasped. "I-in fact if you stop I will personally rip out your _oh_ \--" Sollux slipped his fingers into Karkat and began to thrust them. "Oh fuck _oh fuck_ \--"

"You thure?" Sollux thrust his fingers faster and Karkat shuddered.

" _Yes I am fucking sure_ if you're g-going to fuck me, _fuck me_ \--"

"Eheheh okay!"

Karkat gasped at the sudden absence of Sollux's fingers, but some moments of rustling and a curse later he was rewarded with Sollux's hands on his hips and _oh god yes_ Sollux's bulge pressing, then thrusting into him and his nook twinged once but then it was slick and smooth and _so damn good_...

Sollux breathed a groany laugh at Karkat's aching moan. " _Fuuuck_ , kk-- we should've-- done thith-- a lot thooner--"

"G-god yes," Karkat gasped, his his nails screeching against the metal walls as he clung to nothing. His world had narrowed to three points, Sollux's ragged moaning, the rub and stroke of Sollux's bulge inside of him, and his own bulge aching to be stroked again. Karkat struggled to free a hand from the wall but a crackle of psionics held it tight. He hissed at Sollux's snicker and squirmed.

"What'th the matter, kk?" Sollux crooned as he sped his hips. "Wanna go already?" He snickered again at Karkat's snarl.

"If you're _aah_ not going to let me touch m-myself at least give me a r-reacharound you dipshit--"

"Eheheh not tho fatht-- _nnh_ \--" Sollux thrust harder and Karkat cried out. "Maybe, _mmh_ , if you athk nithely--"

Karkat snarled and squirmed and it did absolutely no good, because Sollux's psionics held him tight. "F-fuck you--!"

Sollux laughed. "I think I'm the one-- _mmh_ \-- doing the fucking here-- _mmh_ god you feel good--"

Those words sent a jolt straight to Karkat's groin. His nook fluttered and he blurted a cry, then another as Sollux groaned and bucked. "Oh _fuck_ Sollux please--" A tickle of psionics raced down his bulge and he jerked. "Your hand, asshole, please oh god **please** \--"

"That'th what I wanted to hear," Sollux moaned.

For the entire two seconds it took for the other troll to wrap an arm around Karkat's waist and slender hand around his bulge, Karkat hated Sollux. Then he didn't hate anything, he didn't even remember hate, he was all pleasure and gasping need for the boy pounding into him and stroking him and moaning his name--

Karkat threw back his head and screamed as he came, shaking all over from the force of it. He burned with the sheer decadent pleasure of it, pleasure that burned even hotter as Sollux cried out in ecstacy again and again into his neck.

All at once they both slumped as Sollux's psionics fizzled, but the combination of Karkat's hands and face pressed against a wall and Sollux pressed into him kept them from collapsing into a pile for the third time today. Karkat, dizzy already, clung to that wall for dear life as a rush of realizations overwhelmed him:

He had just been fucked  
against a wall  
by his best friend  
 _while they both were wearing frilly maid outfits._

"Oh god," Karkat moaned. "I have lost control of my life."

"Shut up," Sollux murmured into his neck. "You liked it."

Karkat bit down the reflexive denial. Under the circumstances it would be beyond disingenuous. "... Yes."

"Mmhnhn. Tho did I. And you know, kk..." Sollux's hands released him and slipped around to cup his rear. "I actually do like your atth."

"Oh, no shit?" Karkat squeaked out the last word as Sollux squeezed. "Is that why you played an extended session of grab-ass with me before fucking me senseless? I had no idea!"

"Thenthlettth?" Karkat snickered at Sollux's mangling of the word, then yelped as Sollux pinched his rear in retaliation. Sollux continued, "You're already running off at the mouth tho obviouthly I didn't fuck you hard _enough_." Karkat made a strangled whimper and it was Sollux's turn to snicker. "Maybe I should try again?"

"No!" Sollux pressed his hips and Karkat groaned. "Bro, come on, if we don't get to the lab before Ampora gets done jerking off to his reflection and crying--"

"Oh god why did you have thay that."

"--god knows WHAT he'll make up about us!"

"... Fair point." Sollux pulled out with a gasp, then paused. "You made thuch a metth, kk."

Karkat looked down and groaned. "Yeah, well... it's your fault. You've got some clean rags in your inventory, wipe it up!"

"Why should I?"

"Because," Karkat said darkly as he kicked off the now ripped and ruined bootyshorts and stepped away, "you made a mess of your own. _Don't look at me_."

They cleaned up in grumpy silence, Karkat lamenting to himself that they he couldn't risk taking the time to go to an ablution chamber. God knew what this team of idiots had gotten up to in his absence anyway. At least he had a stash of clean clothes in a hidden closet. He tossed his used rags on top of the discarded bootyshorts and headed down the hallway.

"Hey kk, would you get my clean clotheth out of there, too?" Sollux called after him.

"Yeah, sure--" Karkat stopped and facepalmed. "God damn it, Sollux!"

"Eheheh."

Sure enough, Sollux had somehow found the closet and stashed a bunch of his clothes in there, too. Karkat flushed as he wondered just how long Sollux had been waiting for an opportunity to corner him in here. Irritably, he grabbed a set of each of their clothes and stalked back. "Here you go, fuckass," Karkat snapped as he flung the outfit at Sollux's head.

"Thankth, thtarshine," Sollux said cheerfully as he grabbed the clothes with his psionics and stuffed them into his inventory.

"Cram it down your windhole," Karkat snapped as he exchanged his horrible maid outfit for real clothes. He breathed a sigh of relief that Sollux echoed, but then grimaced and took the captchalogue card with the frilly outfit out of his inventory. "What are we going to do with these things?" Sollux smirked, but before he could speak Karkat cut him off. "Incinerate them with the rest of the, uh." He glanced at the pile of rags, then gestured impatiently at Sollux. "Hand it over."

"Aww, kk, you looked tho cute--" Sollux barely dodged Karkat's backhand. "Okay, okay." He handed over his captchalogued maid outfit. "It'th not like I need you in a dretth to get you bent over."

"God, will you shut up? Seriously, plug your protein chute before I plug it for you-- _stop smirking_ \-- because this never happened. We were cleaning up the mind honey all this time, okay?"

"Doeth thith mean you're going to leave me alone about it?" Sollux said with a broad grin.

"No." Karkat kept his eyes on the cards as he tossed them onto the rag pile. "Those fucking mainframes ooze constantly, we're going to have to be in here once or twice a day until we figure out how to contain that shit."

"... Twithe a day, huh?"

"You owe me, bro."

"No, I think you thtill owe me a couple." Karkat looked up and glared at Sollux, who waggled his eyebrows at him. "Eheheh kk you blush tho eathily!"

"Shut up and burn this crap, will you?!"

Once Sollux had reduced the pile to nothing more than a wisp of smoke with his eyebeams they headed back to the transportalizer, Karkat hissing at Sollux to wipe the smirk off of his face and Sollux telling Karkat to pull the stick from his seedflap. They were arguing still as they materialized in the hub room, but both their mouths shut with a snap as Terezi appeared on her transportalizer pad.

"Karkles and Mr. Appleberry Blast!" They froze as Terezi bounced over. "What have you been up to?"

"Only cleaning this entire pigsty of the asteroid which you so cheerfully absconded from helping me with, thank you very much," Karkat huffed, hoping remembered annoyance covered his nervousness. "Where the hell did you go that was so important, anyway?"

"Drawing!" Terezi held up her chalk-stained fingers and laughed. "And staying out of your way, Karkles, I know how insufferable you are about tidiness. Besides, you had Sollux, what did you need me for?" She squinted her blind eyes at Karkat as if she could see his guilty look. "He wasn't too horrible, Sollux?"

"Nah, he wath pretty good to me," Sollux said casually, grinning at the furious look Karkat shot him. "We didn't ackthidentally kill ourthelves or anyone elthe, tho it'th a win all around."

"Hehehe, excellent!" Just when he thought he was safe to step around her, Terezi sidestepped and blocked Karkat's path. "But why were you in Karkat's quarters if you were cleaning?"

Oh god, Terezi had that look of a big-nosed barkbeast fast on the scent. "Mind honey," Karkat blurted. "He put his fucking mainframes in my secret room, don't ask me how."

"You don't smell like mind honey," Terezi said, her mouth twisting up questioningly as she leaned forward on her cane and sniffed.

"We were jutht thurveying," Sollux said hastily, trying to lean away.

"In fact... you smell like mustard and ketchup!" Terezi pulled back, her eyes big. "Were you having a _sausage party_?!" Karkat's mouth dropped open, Sollux spluttered, and Terezi's mouth widened into a grin. "Guilty as charged!" She cackled and absconded toward the lab transportalizer.

"We are going to be tho thcrewed," Sollux groaned as the transportalizer sounded.

"Too late." Karkat gave him a pointed look, but Sollux only laughed.


End file.
